A Glimpse of the Masterful Seduction Tactics of Travis Northup
Today, while on the Muni my train passed my usually stop despite my request. The following is a completely accurate documentation of the events that followed:
Travis: Dammit, they totally passed my stop!
Attractive Girl: *looking up from her book, laughing* Well, you could just cut through the train…since you look so sharp. *wink*
Travis: *nervous laughter* I…doubt… *scoff* you would, could that- *attempts to lean against wall, misses, staggers awkwardly* Woah! I mean, that just isn’t possible, physically.
Attractive Girl: …
Travis: …
Attractive Girl: …
Travis: Well, go- *train stops suddenly, head slams against nearby bar* Oh, titties! Shit! *sigh* …gotta’…go…
(Exit Muni train)
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I’m Bringing Sexy Back. And by Sexy, I Actually Mean Hitler.
You know what I miss? World War II. More specifically, I really miss nazis. Don’t you? If you do in fact miss the good old goose-stepping days then you’ll be pleased to know that Hitler is making a comeback in a big way.
That’s right. This guy. —->
Now I wouldn’t call myself paranoid, but I’m the type of jew that likes to randomly Google things that might try to kill me, just to see what they’re up to. Why, just last week I learned that dragons no longer hunt my people. Anyway, not so long ago I started Googling nazis to see what they were up to and what I found wasn’t very comforting. In recent years, groups like The American Nazi Party, American National Socialist Workers Party, and PGZ “Your Third Reich Headquarters” have seen increased membership. That’s right. Americans like you and me are waking up one morning and deciding that things were better when the Fuhrer was in charge; and here I thought the economy was recovering.
At first I figured that this was a small group of angry white guys who lost their job at Blockbuster, shaved their head, and decided that it was black people’s fault, but what I discovered instead was rather sophisticated. So sophisticated, in fact, that in the 2008 election John Taylor Bowles, a candidate for the American Nazi Party appeared on the ballots of several states where he gathered nearly 25,000 votes. And no, unfortunately his slogan was not “Yes we swasti-can!” Although he lost and eventually left to start his own nazi organization (National Socialist Order of America) the fact that nearly 25,000 Americans thought that our country should live by the values of Adolf Hitler was a little disturbing to me. Especially when I saw this ad:
Actually, this isn’t the exact ad I saw. The one that I saw also had a silhouette of Adolf Hitler in the clouds above the White House and below the photo were the words, “It’s time to elect a Pro-White candidate for President! Vote John Taylor Bowles in 2008!” In case you’re wondering who John Taylor Bowles is, he’s this guy:
Now, I know what you’re thinking, “If I looked like that, I’d hate everyone too,” but this guy isn’t alone (as you can tell by his entourage behind him) and there is growing support for this “White Revolution” as they refer to it on their nazi forums. That’s right; there are nazi forums! Which brings me to my primary point of interest today. Nazi Merchandising!
It seems that, in order to get this whole nazi movement really cracking, these fascist folk are creating a massive marketing campaign to try and reach out to the community at large. To anyone who belongs to the sane community, their attempts are rather laughable. Extremely laughable in fact and so it is with great pleasure that I present to you the nazi advertising campaign in all of its glory.
First off, the Adolf Hitler speech collection. Now you can be serenaded by the shouted hateful words of our dearest Adolf:
And this isn’t the only number one hit-ler that is reaching the top of the nazi charts, no sir. Why just check out this great collection of tunes that’ll have you goose stepping in no time at all.
Yes, you too can join in on the lader-hoedown with this riveting album, “BlitzKrieg.” Sing along as we travel through the sudetenland…and Poland…and France…and, well, basically all of Europe, and listen to the majesty of our destruction! What fun! This item Holo-costs $20.
Now, you’re probably thinking right now, “wow, all of this nazi gear is awesome, but what about my kids?” Well, look no further because now there is a way to get your children in on the fun! I present to you:
The Adolf Hitler Action Figure and model collection, with sweet sieg heiling action! Now your kids can make Adolf Hitler duke it out against the bad guys like Martin Luther King Jr. and Gandhi! The slogan for this product on the website is, “Hitler looks like he is alive.” Well, we can only hope, can’t we? These items holo-cost $300 and $175 respectively. Also available are the six set, high ranking nazi officer collection! Collect them all!
Next up, the Adolf Hitler Screensaver. The slogan on the site for this one was, “Give your computer the perfect gift. You asked for it, and now we have it.” To the no doubt numerous people who requested this addition, thank you.
Who wouldn’t want to turn on their computer and be greeted by this handsome guy? This item holo-costs $12.
Well, everyone, it’s the holiday season. Why not celebrate it in style with this lovely holiday greeting card:
The description for this item on their website reads, “an exact recreation of the Fuhrer’s Christmas greeting card from 1943. Wish your friends a merry Christmas!” What good advice too! No doubt my family would rather enjoy getting a greeting card from the Fuhrer himself. Do you remember those christmas cards you’d get from a realtor or your dentist? If only my dentist had been a little more awesome…This item holo-costs $15 per card or five cards for $50.
Hey! Do you hate jews? Me too! Why not celebrate our loathing together with this lovely collection of anti-jewish propaganda?
These fine pieces of history were actually used to offend and discriminate against jews during and prior to World War II. Now that’s what I call authentic hatred! These items holo-cost $30 for all ten horrendously offensive propaganda posters.
You know, most people just focus on the cool part of Hitler’s life, like when he killed millions of innocent people and industrialized genocide, but to really know this great man you have to go back to his roots. And no, I don’t mean that heretical anti-Hitler film Roots; don’t be silly. I mean his simple life before all the swastikas and mindless killing. Just buy one of these fine paintings and Adolf’s former glory can be yours.
That’s right. Each painting is signed by our Hitler to show authenticity. These authentic paintings made by the Fuhrer himself can be yours to own. Hang these on the wall right next to your gun, and your family portrait. These items are currently sold out. I guess the demand for Hitler is high.
Are you confused what day it is? Me too. Why just yesterday I was looking for the whites-only bathroom and realized that it wasn’t 1850 anymore. Well, fear no more because now I present to you the Nazi Calendar:
Yes, indeedy. Now you can count down the days until the government overthrow with this authentic nazi calendar. We update and produce one each year for your convenience. This calendar features pictures of the glory days that will fill you with nostalgia. This item holo-costs $25.
And who could forget these lovely items. Actual World War II Nazi Medallions:
We have a whole slew of nazi medallions available for your purchase. Buy a whole bunch! It makes a great merit system for your children! Just ask my son, Greg. Or should I say Hauptmann Greg?
And finally, who could forget the nazi mugs and steins offered on the site:
The slogan on the website for these items are “Have a cold one with the Fuhrer!” I think that basically explains it all. With the Adolf Hitler mug, all of your beverages will taste like genocide. Just make sure not to get any coffee on your mustache.
Anyway people, these sites are the most ridiculous things I’ve ever seen in my life. And I have only shown you a few. They’ve got everything here. You can buy uniforms, bands, mousepads, and even guns and grenades. You can find all of the merchandise here:
And you can find out more about the American Nazi Party and other movements here:
http://www.americannaziparty.com/
Or if you’re afraid that you might vomit if you go on either of these sites, you can just check out the folder on my dropbox.com account that contains just a few of my unfortunate discoveries:
http://www.dropbox.com/gallery/11523534/1/Nazi%20Stuff?h=2d2d35
And if I may go on a tangent and say that after all of my research regarding the American Nazi Movement, there is nothing that pisses me off more than to see things like this:
If you belong to this group. Please, beat your head into the pavement until you understand why this is stupid or until you stop thinking entirely, either way the IQ of our country will increase. Besides, think of all of the nazis that you’re offending by calling Obama one of them?
Anyway, folks! I think we’ve all learned something valuable here.
Please Stop Existing: Travis Northup’s Wish List of The Top 3 People That Should Not Be Alive.
Let’s admit it guys; life is a gift and some people just don’t deserve it. The people listed below are prime examples of what happens when someone forgets to think for so long that they lose the ability entirely. Now I consider myself a reasonable guy ( I usually only break one of your kneecaps for using improper English) but these offenders have gone above and beyond the call of moron and shown themselves to be truly unintelligible. So it is with no pride that I present to you three tragic cases of extraordinary stupidity. Enjoy!
So, in conclusion euthanasia should be legalized, even encouraged, in every state in the country. If only we could come together for the common good then I wouldn’t have a headache every time I talk to a fashion major, because there wouldn’t be any fashion majors anymore. I rule.
I found these jewels of stupidity on the following website. Go there and observe other silliness that shall make you giggle.
Source: emailsfromcrazypeople.com
My Thoughts on Strength
The people in charge of modern media, advertising and entertainment are trying to convince us (perhaps unintentionally) that weakness is really strength and strength is really weakness. They want us to believe that spending our money on things we don’t really need is strength, that obsessing over our appearance is strength, that showing blind loyalty is strength, that being ignorant and intolerant is strength, that hiding one’s weaknesses from general view is strength, that having the ‘moral high ground’ by blindly obeying laws is strength.
My goal is to fight this trend by showing people what actual strength is. The strength to do what’s right even if nobody else is doing it, to derive self-worth from one’s actions and not one’s appearance, to be happy even if it means being poor, to break unjust laws, to be honest about one’s own weaknesses and failings, to choose for oneself when it’s worth it to sacrifice safety in exchange for doing something meaningful.
This is How Much I Rule: Part II
It is a month into school here a SFState and my quest to write the ultimate guide on How to be a Dick continues.
Let me start this entry by explaining the incompetence of a certain group within the Housing Community at SFSU. I volunteered for C-Board all last year and re-registered to continue volunteering for them over the summer. In case you’re unfamiliar with C-Board, its an organization that handles the affairs of students that have been caught breaking the code of conduct within housing. If you get caught drinking in your dorm, you have to go to C-Board.
C-Board has always been full of unnecessary bureaucracy but this time they hit an all-time low. After I moved into the dorms early SOLELY for the purpose of working for C-Board for a full week and tabling for their members they asked me to fill out an application. Jokingly, I filled out the document in the following manner.
My favorite is number 3. Priceless.
I was convinced that these people wouldn’t even read my application and was surprised when one of the C-Board Advisers came to my dorm late one night and said that the Director of C-Board, Patrick, wanted to speak with me. I set up an appointment where he informed me that my application offended people and suggested that perhaps I don’t care about the position on their board (You don’t say!?). He suggested that if I wanted to return as a C-Board member that I should send a letter to the C-Board Advisers. I complied.
“Hello C-Board Advisors,
My name is Travis Northup and I’m writing you to explain my repeated use of the phrase “your mom” on my application to be a returning member to C-Board. I have met with Patrick and understand the concerns that were brought forth of my unprofessional attitude as an applicant. I understand that my application may have offended some of you and for that I do apologize. To be honest, after seeing how you operate I am surprised that my application was read at all. As a returning C-Board member, I assumed that getting to move in early and tabling for C-Board recruitment for a week would serve as my application. However, it would seem that despite all of the reasons that turning a second application is useless, you still required a second application. While this makes as much sense as an amputee chopping off her other leg so that she can be symmetrical, I respect that you have a process that I must follow.
Patrick has requested that I provide you with something that tells you why I filled out the application in that manner and give you an explanation as to how that does or does not represent who I am. Here is the bottom line, if this did not represent who I am then I wouldn’t have written it so it seems useless to try arguing that somehow I wrote something that was entirely contrary to the person that I am. Instead I will try to give you some perspective as to why I would do something like this.
I have four jobs, 16 units and run an organization. In addition to these everyday tasks, I do volunteer work (e.g. C-Board). Now, ask yourself something: “Why would someone who spends one weekend a month talking to State Senators think that a college Conduct Review Board is a joke?” If the answer isn’t obvious to you yet then slap yourself. Its because I have better things to do. When I spend a week volunteering for a college program that makes people do community service for getting caught smoking in a non-designated smoking area, I expect that they’ll at least have the courtesy to add me to their roster without me having to fill out an application. I have a million and a half things to do with my life and filling out an unnecessary document so that a room full of chumps can act important is not my top priority. So I think that my actions were appropriate.
I hope that I haven’t offended anyone by this letter because regardless of whether you accept my application or not I’ll be joining you for C-Board this Sunday. In case you forgot I sit on the Board of Directors with your boss.
Regards,
Travis Northup”
No less than an hour later I received the following e-mail from one of the C-Board advisers.
“Dear C-Board Applicant,
Thank you for your time and effort in submitting an application to be part of San Francisco’s Housing and Residential Services’ Conduct Review Board. It comes with great pleasure to inform you that as of this time you have been accepted to be a Conduct Review Board Member. Training will be held in the Mary Ward Cantina on Saturday September 12, 2009 from 11am to 6pm with a lunch break. Training is mandatory to be a Conduct Review Board Member, if you are unable to attend you can be placed on the alternate list. Please contact Melissa ________ by E-mail (__________@sfsu.edu) if you are unable to attend training or have any questions before training.
Sincerely,
The C-Board Advisors”
(Personal info has been deleted from the message.)
Let me just highlight how much I LOVE that they thanked me for my time and effort in filling out the application.
I guess that we all learned an important lesson today. When people aren’t seeing things your way its always good to know who their boss is, especially if that turns out to be you. So keep smiling, and with a little help from your mom, you too can learn how to be a dick because that is How Much I Rule.
This is How Much I Rule: Part I
It is 1 AM on a Tuesday night and I am tired from a full day of being a productive member of society when I come home to find this on the wall of my dorm.
Not only is this the lamest poster I have ever seen but it makes me upset to think that the person that posted this has somehow obtained a position of power. Judging from their work, this person belongs in preschool and as far away from management as humanly possible. Although I am extremely tired, this poorly written bullshit makes me angry enough to feel mildly more awake than I was beforehand. As any good citizen would do I took the time out of my day to go home and make sure that I could metaphorically pimp slap the person responsible for this disaster. 5 minutes later I produced this lovely flier.
You see, guys. Anybody can make a flier, but it takes mild intellect to produce an English sentence. Just for effect, here is a photo of these posters side-by-side.
Well, I may have wasted a little bit of my own time teaching grammar to blockheads but at least I’ll sleep a little better tonight while I take solace knowing that I can speak English.
That’s how much I rule.
Ambition: An Uplifting Poem by Travis Northup
I came home from work one night,
to find my soulmate dead,
but didn’t try to kill myself,
recalling wise words she once said.
The next weeks I worked without end,
and demonstrated such devotion,
that corporate took notice of me,
and I was given a promotion.
I invested my new funds in stocks,
and did so with such care,
that soon I saw a major profit.
I became a millionaire.
Soon after I ran for Senator,
and must have done well, I guess,
because by the end of my third term,
they built a statue for my finesse.
Then I went home and hung myself,
recalling what my soulmate said,
as I died, I uttered those wise words,
“Quit while you’re ahead.”
Written by Travis Northup
Do Not Read This Document: The Insane Ramblings of an Overwrought and Dying Teenager.
One of my greatest heroes of all time, Phil Ward wrote a song called “Neckwear from Space,” a song that is about young business men and their insistence on always wearing ties. The chorus has a line that goes “Do they sleep in their ties all their lives?”
I thought about this an hour ago while I tried to sleep in my tie.
I usually don’t wear my tie to bed but tonight I wasn’t feeling well. I wasn’t sick. In fact, I can only recall a few times that I’ve ever been sick. No, it is my heart. It has a tendency to, hmm…what’s the word?, oh, yeah, stop beating when I get stressed out. Along with the coughing up blood (thanks to my pal, malfunctioning left pulmonary artery, or as I lovingly refer to him “What the fuck!?”) there are several accompanying unpleasant symptoms.
Mild hallucinations, irrational thoughts, anger, helplessness, delusions. The kind of shit that might make a drug addict envious of my condition. And who could forget insomnia? One of my most familiar comrades. They say that after seventy-two hours of sleep deprivation the mind starts losing its grip on reality. Right now is my seventy-third hour.
So it is with great pleasure that I write this memoir for posterity.
Have you ever been so angry that you couldn’t see? It doesn’t happen to me very often but when it does, whew. Don’t get in my way. I look like a peaceful guy and for the most part I am. I once broke a man’s nose and stomped on his throat though so…
Whatever. He had it coming. He called my a faggot. I despise that word. Especially when its just used to insult someone for no reason. I bet its the tie. I get so much shit for wearing a tie. Seriously. Its pathetic that dressing nice is frowned upon. Anyway, I was really mad that day and that random stranger picked the wrong day and the wrong man. I wonder if you can go blind from being really angry all of the time. “The Origin of Blindness” Written by Travis Northup with a forward by Snuffles the Uncorrelated-Shit Fairy.
There’s a quote from Fight Club that goes, “You can swallow a pint of blood before getting sick” Guess what? It works the other way around too.
There once was a man from Atlanta,
Who was so obese that he looked like Santa,
and although I’m a jew,
and this man was too,
I bet that he liked Fanta.
An excerpt from the Timeless classic “Poems with a Message” written by Travis Northup with a forward by If-You-Own-This-Book-Then-You-Fail.
I’ve decided that friends just aren’t for me. I can’t keep them. No matter what I try. By one persuasion or another they all leave. Betrayal, disinterest, disagreement, dismemberment. Just kidding; There are never disagreements. Anyway, my new philosophy is that I’ll just have to hang out with all of my enemies. Actually, that’s kind of weird when you think of it. “Friends come and go but enemies will hate you forever.” Quote by Travis Northup. I’ll need to add this to the growing collection.
Why do Conservatives want to conserve everything except the environment?
Hmm…this could very well be another quote. I’ll make it into a bumper sticker and make a million dollars and then blow it all on college tuition. “But Travis, college tuition is never “blowing” your money! Its an investment!” I hear you cry. Well, investments are hard to collect on when the person collecting has a crater in their chest. Its the reason that war with China is impossible. We owe them too much for them to attack us. Anyway, an education is something that nobody can take from you…except the Grim Reaper. Damn. Shouldn’t have made enemies with that guy. Now THAT is what you call a wrong move. I can see myself at a party hitting on a girl and then seeing everyone awkwardly turn away as Death says, “‘ey, Bitch! Why you messin’ wit’ my woman!?” And I’m like, “Uh, dude! My bad!”
Not that Grim’s girl would have interest in me anyway. I don’t blame her. Death’s been around for quite awhile. He’s probably lethal in the sack. Ha-Ha. Get it? Cause he’s Death.
Anyway, being physically repulsive has its advantages, I suppose. For starters, I always have an unfair advantage during staring contests. Try looking at this face for more than 10 seconds. Boy! I’ll tell ya’. It ain’t easy!
Setting: A fancy Restauraunt. A newly introduced couple are on a blind date. The waiter comes immediately after they’ve exchanged names and says:
“What will you be having this evening?”
Woman: Well, I’ll have a cream of mushroom soup.
“And you, sir?”
Man: I’ll have a steak.
“And how would you like that cooked?”
Man: Rare. I like my meat with a pulse. AND MY WOMEN WITHOUT ONE!
(Stares at woman intently)
Woman: …
(Man stares)
Woman: …um…
(Man stares)
Woman: …uh, so what do you do…for a living?
(Man stares)
Woman: …
(Man stares)
End Scene. The crowd goes wild. Heavy laughter by all. Except for that one girl. The way-too-serious-about-feminism one. Yeah, well, she needs to loosen up anyway.
I’m going to write a book entitled “And You Think I’m Joking,” which will contain various memorable conversations between people in which I state true facts about my life that everyone assumes is just me fucking with them. I’m not sure who will buy this book but nonetheless I feel that it needs to be written. People need to know that some people are just really unlucky.
Note to Self: If I ever get a Giraffe, I’m naming him Girafael. I will claim that he is in his teen years, mutated, and a ninja. I’ll also train him to call me “Splinter.” He’ll be the greatest companion of all time until he sleeps with my wife. Just kidding, nobody would marry me.
I have this motto that goes, “No Compromises. No Excuses. I will become Great.” In addition to containing sentence fragments, this motto drove me from attempted suicide to incredible accomplishments, at least in comparison to the path that I was headed down. which reminds me…
People are always asking me why I wear a tie. Most of the time I lie. Its just easier. If I were to meet someone and then immediately tell them the truth about that then they would get a totally wrong impression of me. I started wearing ties the very day after I tried killing myself. To me it was a symbol. It was my way of giving myself and the world a second chance. I changed overnight. I went from a recluse to an outspoken and ambitious person. I ended a lot of things that day. I swore off weakness, compromise, excuse, silence, pain, reliance on others. It was the greatest decision I’ve ever made. In a month I directed and produced two plays, in 6 months I became improv President at my high school, the next year I won the championship improv match and became ASB President of my high school. This last school year in college, I’ve done more than most people do in their entire college life. Literally. I’m not trying to brag. Trust me. I know very well how pathetic I am. I’m simply trying to make a point. It was a mind over matter type lifestyle that allowed me to accomplish so much, despite obstacles. It was perseverance of will and a tad of insanity. I did that. It was a choice. I chose to do something about my aimless life and I would never go back on that decision. It wasn’t all happily ever after. I’ve made huge mistakes and been dealt blows along the way. I even gained a whole slew of new flaws to accompany my new power. But that’s not the point. The point is that in one second, I changed everything about myself. I wore a tie and made sure that everyone that I’d ever known knew about the death of…whoever came before Travis Northup.
Anyway, that’s why I wear a tie. I’m glad that I got that off my chest.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I was in the middle of slowly dying. Just kidding; It isn’t slow.